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Cassette Etiquette
For most of us, cassette etiquette is second nature. However, if you’re a newbie, here are some tips for the first time..
Words and Images by: Tony Fowler Q108030

Social distancing is not a problem at dump points

When it is time to empty the can, ensure you warn all occupants of the vehicle that you are doing so. This will prevent surprises on your return.

There are several things to prepare for when approaching the dump point. Firstly, ensure all loose items, including the $600 pair of prescription sunnies on your head, are secured. As you get closer to the dump point, note that we dumpers are remarkably familiar with social distancing and have been practising it for years. In fact, ScoMo just needed to say, “I want you all to act like you’re constantly carrying a very full cassette to the dump point”, and nobody would go near anyone else.

Be careful striking up a conversation with fellow dumpers — you need to ensure you are looking in another direction when they are dumping, as you don’t want to cop an eyeful of corn. What is it with corn anyway? Is it really a digestible food? Also, never smirk at a camper that locks up his personal waste, because, as much as it may seem weird, it has been stolen before!

Let all on board know you are emptying the loo

Now, if you are approaching a dump point by yourself, be prepared for what might greet you when you lift the lid — not all dumpers are as considerate as you. Never ever take the cap off close to the dump point — ensure you are clear of bouncing and rolling distance from the hole and leave the cap far away while executing your duties. As much as it is enticing to do so, do not lean over the unit in any way, as this will immediately identify any item you forgot to secure.

The tricky part is controlling the release in such a fashion as to avoid splashing, but to get enough power in the whoosh to ensure all material escapes — a real balancing act! If no one is waiting, then several time consuming rinses will ensure you have it all, but there will be pressure if there is a line up behind you. Any more than one good rinse and one quick rinse will be frowned on. Plus, don’t be seen to be looking too closely at what you are doing — it’s important to act like it’s a yucky job. Trust me, that one final blind mullet will make an appearance when you think you are clear to look.

Be prepared for what might greet you when you lift the lid

Also, if you are doing a good rinse and clean, remember the bottom of the cassette is perfectly resonate when banged upon (to loosen up the stubborn foreigners), to spray fluid directly out the entry hole for some several feet and hit you in the mouth, so be warned. Locate the lid you safely placed away from the danger and then rinse the dump point. Before closing, rinse the outside of your cassette and wash your hands and mouth profusely.

Never return and state you’re invited over for happy hour after a trip to the dump point. Wait some time before springing the news, as this is much less conspicuous. When you do return, just ensure you have a clean hatch and slide her back in. A loud bang on the side of the van with an announcement “the dunny’s up” should bring their attention to your good deed for the day.

Category: Features
Written: Sat 01 Aug 2020
Printed: August, 2020
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